By Stephen Liao ’15, Lighter Fare Section Editor
As the school year kicks off, so does America’s sport: football. From the casual fan to the die-hard enthusiast, an estimated 59% of the United States follows the National Football League. Unsurprisingly, dozens of interests have grown out of the NFL. Team apparel, player endorsements, and tailgates only begin to skim the iceberg of the experience that professional football offers. Perhaps the most engrossing of these fan immersions, fantasy football has captured the attention of 32 million followers. Naturally, everyone’s got a distinct fantasy. Many will fit into a heterogeneous blend of the species of fantasy participants we will investigate.
The Casual Guy
Casual Guy is a casual football fan. He probably roots for his home team and is a hoot at Super Bowl parties. Stats and box scores are not his fascination; he prefers SportsCenter highlights and emotional huddle speeches. His draft picks are often bewildering and he may forget to check his starting line-up every week. Many Casual Guys are only in fantasy leagues because their friends badgered them to join. They’re along for the ride, not investing tremendously in the game.
Chances of winning: Mega-Millions lottery odds
The Vet
The Vet cares as much about the fantasy league, which he usually runs, as he does his own team’s success. He’s been doing this since the paper-and-pen age and knows all the rules of fantasy: scoring details, trade policies, play-off seeding. Having witnessed fantasy overwhelm lesser men, the Vet treats the game with great respect. If you see him burning football posters, don’t worry; he is just sacrificing NFL stars to the fantasy gods. Stevie Wonder’s Superstition is his favorite tune, but no one is surprised when he blasts Eye of the Tiger. The Vet was probably a Mayan priest in a previous life.
Chances of winning: sunny with a chance of divine intervention
The Mafia Guy
Mafia Guy shouldn’t be good at fantasy; his decision-making is erratic, his interest in football minor. Miraculously, Mafia Guy almost always ends up at the top of the standings come season’s end. When asked, his fellow league-mates are mum on the topic of Mafia Guy’s unlikely success. For research purposes, I have reached out to a Mafia Guy for an interview:
Stephen: Mafia Guy, what is the secret to your success?
Mafia Guy: I am a big-a-believer in diplomacy.
Stephen: Very interesting. Some of your trades seem to be rather one-sided. Is there a factor that compels your league-mates to agree to them?
Mafia Guy: When I talk to my victi—I mean friends, I explain why the trade is good for them and that they will regret not accepting it.
*Stephen scurries out of alley*
For leisure, Mafia Guy attends Everyone Loves Pizza club meetings, works out with his colleagues, and runs an extortion clinic.
Chances of winning: second only to Stat-Bot
The Rager
We all know that guy. That guy who can’t take a hit. That guy who will kick your dog…on a good day. Rager doesn’t care about reasoning or losing gracefully. If you find yourself facing Rager, a catch-22 situation arises: should you lose on purpose and avoid his wrath or try your best and risk offending him? Watching normal football with Rager is no fun either—make sure you wear a helmet if you do. No matter how marginal his loss, Rager always finds an alibi for his failure. A cheating player, dumb ref, or conspiracy theory is in play for Rager, who relaxes through Call of Duty, paintball, and whack-a-mole.
Chances of whining: guaranteed
The Loyalist
Born and raised in the same city all his life, the Loyalist identifies fiercely with his home team and will defend it zealously. Fans of the same allegiance as the Loyalist can expect generosity and hospitality when hanging out with the Loyalist, but expect the same passive-aggressive tone (as you get from Mr. Carr for leaving your belongings attended) if you align with any of the other 31 teams. The Loyalist is often seen sporting a fantasy roster that looks awfully similar to (you guessed it) their home team. Common occupations for him include Country Day Honor Council representative, member of the city council, and the Army.
Chances of winning: when the stars align…
The Stat-Bot
Ice runs through this guy’s veins. Often, the Stat-Bot does not have a favorite team; he may not even watch real football, but he breathes fantasy. Impartial in all decisions, Statty’s objectivity is unparalleled. He knows every stat line imaginable, down the last yard. Always in close proximity to Wi-Fi connectivity, Stat-Bot is ready to alter his starting line-up. If he’s out and about, a myriad of smartphone apps is keeping him updated. Every one of his draft picks has been meticulously calculated and cross-indexed with expert opinions. Other hobbies often include stock trading, lab research, and staring down orphaned puppies. If you ask Stat-Bot a fantasy question, prepare
to receive mind-numbing analysis.
Chances of winning: precisely 72.492%
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Fantasy Season
Alexander does everyone thing right; he reads up on the latest fantasy articles, watches his favorite team every Sunday, and drafts safely. Unfortunately, some supernatural has been out to get Alexander ever since his birth. At the tender age of seven, Alexander broke 13 bones in his body from tripping up a flight of stairs. Four years later his orthodontist sadly prescribed him braces for two decades. This uncanny knack for attracting misfortune extends to his fantasy team. One can count on half of his players to suffer season-ending injuries, a quarter of them to be busts, and the rest to spontaneously retire to pursue professional cricket professions. Alexander finds solace in watching the news, eating oatmeal, and looking both ways before he crosses.
Chances of winning: terrible, horrible, no good, very bad
No matter which of these archetypes you see yourself or your fantasy-infected love ones fit in, fantasy football provides any NFL fan with a free, community-based hobby that requires strategy, communication, and a bit of luck (sorry, Alexander). I hope this article provided non-fantasy players with some insight and a laugh. To my fellow addicts: good luck on the field!
Photo credit to www.espnmediazone.com
