HUMOR: Montessori students strike oil

Haleigh Miller

By Haleigh Miller, ’12, News Section Editor

Last Thursday, CCDS’s Montessori class discovered an oil field potentially worth millions of dollars. After the discovery, Procter and Gamble was alerted and a team sponsored by Dawn dishwashing liquid came to the school in order to help wash off the children. Despite the shocking number of ruined winter coats, school administrators quickly realized that the profits from the oil field could be a real boon to the school in this poor economic environment.

While playing in sandboxes and digging in the dirt as children ages 3-5 are prone to do, students suddenly struck oil. “I wasn’t really sure what happened,” said one Montessori Kindergarten student. “We just thought it was something fun.” The discovery was not reported to their teacher, Mrs. Wendy Taylor, until many students were already covered in oil. At that point, phone calls began going out in a search for instructions. Mrs. Taylor said “It was quite an unusual situation to see my students covered in oil. I wasn’t quite sure what to do next.” Unfortunately, there is not a section covering oil spills in the CCDS teacher handbook, and the school felt it counterproductive to take advice from British Petroleum (BP).

Eventually, directions surfaced. The children were to continue digging, in an effort to ascertain whether they had indeed discovered an oil field (or if it was simply another surprise after discovering lead several years ago), until Dawn reinforcements arrived. “At first I was a bit hesitant to let the children play in oil, but Dr. Macrae insisted it wouldn’t harm them, so we kept digging,” Mrs. Taylor said.

Once the P&G product arrived on site en masse, the Montessori class was escorted away from the playground to be washed. Meanwhile, Exxon Mobil representatives were invited to campus to determine the ramifications of the discovery. They have not yet determined the full size of the well, but say at first glance it appears to be about half of the size of the Elk Hills oil field of California. “The situation bears further investigation,” Exxon representatives say. “It’s unfathomable that an oil field this size has gone uncovered for so long.” Elk Hills is an oil field capable of yielding roughly two billion barrels of oil. As of now, no one is quite sure how the existence of oil in this quantity in the heart of Indian Hill has gone unnoticed.

Upon the announcement of the estimated size of the well, CCDS administrators immediately realized the possible ramifications. Conceivably, some of the profits from the oil field could be directed to the school.

Heads of the three divisions and head of school Dr. Robert P. Macrae came to a meeting the next day, each with a fully mapped out plan for utilizing the profits. Upper School Head Stephanie Luebbers was seen walking into the school with several large poster boards. While these plans have not been released, students who walked by the conference room during the meeting reported raised voices and impassioned arguments. “I saw what I believe to be an arm wrestling match between (Middle School Head) Mr. John Polasko and (Upper School Head)

Mrs. Stephanie Luebbers when I walked by the conference room,” added Jules Cantor ’11. “I believe I heard Mrs. Luebbers yell ‘You’re mine, Polasko!’ as I walked away. That’s when I started running.” However, no one else has been able to confirm the sighting.

Later that evening, the divisional heads and Dr. Macrae asked parents to join them in Keeler Theater for a meeting to discuss what will happen next. “Before anything happens, we need to get a better understanding of the size of the oil field. If it is anywhere near as large as currently estimated, we may have to move the school to a new location,” said Dr. Macrae. “However, right now we just don’t know. We’re going to start looking at possible locales, just to be ready, but at this point that’s just a precaution.”

When a parent asked what kinds of projects would be pursued if the field is indeed the speculated size, all three divisional heads jostled for the microphone briefly, in what appeared to be attempts to explain their own individual plans. Mrs. Luebbers managed to secure the microphone temporarily and was heard saying something about “five more rock walls”, but whether or not that is in fact what she intended hasn’t been confirmed.

After the meeting, Mr. Howard Brownstein was seen circulating through the atrium sharing with parents his proposal to use some of the profits to improve our gymnasiums and athletic facilities to increase participation in school sports, as opposed to the recreational teams that have recently cropped up. A set of the profits should also be allocated for Girl Scout’s cookies, according to Brownstein.

While no conclusion has yet been reached as to what the plan of action could look like if the field is indeed profitable, a reprisal of the Sarah Palin chant “Drill, baby, drill!” was heard circulating throughout the crowd of parents during the meeting on Saturday. Meanwhile, the Saudi Royal family is incredibly distressed at the news of this discovery.