By Xanni Brown, ’10, Lighter Fare Editor

I know that the school is trying to keep this story quiet, but I’m a journalist, and I feel compelled to bring you this news, no matter how unsettling it is. Last week, while all the students were off enjoying their Thanksgivings, Cincinnati Country Day was overrun by aliens. They must have been observing us for some time, because their takeover commenced almost as soon as the last person left the building on Tuesday night.

Teachers who returned to school on Wednesday in an attempt to do some work were surprised to find that their keys didn’t work and that there were little green men with laser-guns guarding the doors. Madame Hecker tried communicating with them in at least 76 languages, but there was no response. Current speculation is that the roof of the building reminded them of their home planet.

On Saturday, Mr. Brownstein, for whom Thanksgiving dinner was just not enough food, realized he left some cookies at school and decided to take his chances with the extraterrestrials. He spider-climbed up the wall of the building and then crawled through the air duct and rappelled down into his office. However, upon removing the secret ceiling panel that hides his private cookie jar, Mr. Brownstein was shocked and dismayed to discover that the visitors from afar had eaten every last one of those chocolate-chip morsels of deliciousness.

When other faculty members arrived the next day, they found Mr. Brownstein curled up on the floor of his office, muttering “No cookies! They’ve taken the cookies!” A thorough search of the building revealed that Mrs. Mapes’s fridge and Ms. Floyd’s office-o’-food had been similarly cleaned out. In fact, there wasn’t a crumb of food in the entire upper school.

With great trepidation, the small coalition of hungry teachers approached the dining terrace. They needed food, and fast, or Mr. Brownstein would perish. Miraculously, everything was intact! Although the aliens had intended to clean out the lunchroom, they were baffled by all the earthling’s choices. Where they expected a soup station, there was only a “Stock Exchange.” In place of a deli, something called “Classic Cuts.” When they discovered that the biggest and most accessible door was clearly marked “exit,” they just gave up and went back to their home planet, somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.

If you were an alien, wouldn’t you be confused?