By Elizabeth Grace ’15, Perspectives Section Editor

With the holidays imminent, it’s time to start thinking about gift-giving. Some people are easy to shop for: your best friend wants a necklace, your little brother wants a toy truck, and your dog wants a chew toy. However, whether you want to or not, you still have to think about all those other people. Even though you despise them.

It’s not always easy to spend money on people whom you really don’t like. First, before you feel obligated to do so, think about whether or not you have to. If you’re thinking about buying a present for your mother’s cousin’s bratty nephew whom you haven’t seen in ten years but happens to be coming to visit you and your family for Christmas, then I’d advise asking your parents if you can mooch off of whatever they’re buying him. You should also think about whether or not he or she will be buying you a present. If not, then you don’t need to.

However, if you have no such luck and you’re forced into spending all your hard-earned cash on the neighbor who called you fat in fifth grade, then never fear; this guide will surely help you through this difficult time. Because there are many different types of dislikeable people, I’ve broken it down into five solutions.

1) The Catastrophic Cook:

We all have that one family member who thinks she should host her own cooking show; we all know she shouldn’t. You’ve tried to like her, but you just can’t see past the zucchini lasagna she forced you to eat when you were only seven years old. To your dismay, she’s coming over for Christmas and you must buy her a gift. But don’t worry! All is not lost.

To save yourself from future toxicity, buy her your favorite cookbook. Make sure none of the recipes involve zucchini, squash, or spinach and you’re good to go. To avoid insulting her “ability,” tell her you simply wish to help her on her journey toward becoming the next Betty Crocker (she probably won’t know Betty Crocker wasn’t actually named after a person).

2) The Tenacious Talker

Who invited him to the party? Well, either way, you know he’s going to talk the whole time and never let you get a word in. You wouldn’t mind so much except that he only talks about himself. But that’s not even the worst part; he will never admit that he’s wrong in an argument. And he’ll make sure to tell you just how right he is for the next hour or so. Ugh.

For this guy, I’d suggest duct tape. A book may also suffice.

3) The Small Stalker

In your neighborhood, there’s this kid who idolizes you. Ever since your parents insisted on giving her your old hand-me-downs, she’s decided she needs to not only hang out with you, but act exactly like you. She’s also decided you’re not allowed to have any other friends. Or a life. And, for some seemingly inexplicable reason, your parents invited her to the party. How tragic.

I advise giving her a copy of your diary; I guarantee she’ll be too frightened to show up at your house anymore after she reads it. Alternatively, you could get her a puppy if you wouldn’t feel too bad for the poor thing.

4) The Bellicose Bully

You’ve known this guy for a while now and you know his ways. If he gets the chance, he will punch you in the face, either literally or with his harsh, harsh words. No matter how many times you come home with a black eye and tears in your eyes, your parents insist that he’s an angel. And as such, he obviously must be invited to the holiday party. Figures.

What this guy really needs is a ball of yarn and some knitting needles. That would sort him out. A CD filled with hundreds of pictures of

kittens may also work.

5) The Wailing Whiner

You’d think the world was out to get this girl for how much she complains. Nothing is ever to her liking, not matter how much effort was put into it. She’ll definitely make sure to tell you every single fault in every single thing, never failing to leave out the details. Someone had the brilliant idea of inviting her to the party, even though you know that she’ll hate whatever you get for her.

Though she probably won’t like it at first, I suggest buying her a copy of Tess of the D’Urbervilles. Any other book highlighting particularly unfortunate circumstances will do. Assuming she puts aside her complaints long enough to read,

she may realize that there are worse things in life than a bit of rain.

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