By Edwin Sam ’13, Sports Section Editor.
It was rigged. From the day he made the deceitful announcement about his Ponzi-Scheme charity, Athletes United, Michael Madoff carefully crafted a top-to-bottom conspiracy to win the election. Promised J. Crew gift cards, girls’ lacrosse shoes, and another pair of Barbie’s pants, even election leader and history buff Eldrich Carr was involved in the atrocious scandal nicknamed Bartongate.
Here’s how it went down. Of course, it was all about capital. While Carr suspiciously left the
ballot box unattended for 10 minutes, Barton was able to cast extra votes and emerge victorious in the fraudulent election. “What could I say? He promised me capital,” pleaded Carr. After declaring Barton and Portman the winners, Carr pulled a 2000 Supreme Court and denied Will Bernish ‘13 and Edwin Sam ’13 a recount. Voter fraud is a serious offense, worthy of capital punishment.
The cardigan-wearing, good music hating Bernish and the small-calved, referee-hating Sam each blamed each other for the result of the campaign. “I just had a horrible running mate. He was too busy crying about a blind soccer referee to focus on the campaign,” noted Bernish. Sam had the same view of Bernish, blaming him for irresponsible campaigning. “The Obama-ized poster was old and overused. He might as well have used a Madonna CD as our campaign poster.”
In an election about as honest as Bill Clinton’s “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” speech, Barton and Portman proved to be about as ethical as Obama Secret Service agents. After winning, Barton wrote and recorded his new single, “Moving Like Bernie Madoff.” In a short interview he said, “ Just like Mitt Romney, I should be able to Etch-a-Sketch my way out of this conspiracy with a little shake here and there. In the words of famous 21st century philosopher Rebecca Black, ‘This is my moment.’ ”
