HUMOR: Secret to CCDS students’ academic success discovered

Haleigh Miller

By Caroline Gentile ’13, News Editor

Although they are swamped with hours of homework, classes, sports, clubs, various academic competitions, SAT prep classes, extra credit work, study groups, Student Council, artistic endeavors, and a social life, CCDS students still manage to maintain their academic excellence. Other schools, overcome with jealousy, have time and time again tried to uncover the secret to CCDS’s success. A spy from a rival school has solved the mystery by tapping into CCDS’s water supply. The enigma is now revealed; all campus water fountains are spiked with 5 Hour Energy.

In hopes of getting away with assigning excessive amounts of homework, teachers at CCDS have resorted to the highly caffeinated energy supplement to enable students to accomplish their exorbitant demands. Due to the discovery of 5 Hour Energy in the water supply and its subsequent removal, CCDS’s historically high academic standards seem to have fallen.

Students have been seen sleeping in class, bribing teachers for less homework, and taking numerous “sick days.” Exhausted juniors, in attempts to avoid writing a junior

paper, have reportedly sold their souls to Mr. Fossett.

Athletic Director Ms. Theresa Hirschauer has also noticed a decline in student participation in athletics. Mr. Mark Femia, director of Drama and Vocal Music, commented, “There are now only two participants in the winter musical; Jules Cantor…oh wait, there’s only one.”

To combat the discovery of 5 Hour Energy and its ramifications, Dr. Macrae and Sage Dining Services have agreed to bring back caffeinated beverages to the Dining Terrace. After all, our academic excellence is far more important than our health.

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