HUMOR: Secret faculty cables leaked by Hesser

Jordan Komnick

By Jordan Komnick ’11, Copy Editor, and Kevin McSwiggen ’11, Contributor

At 12:30 pm on January 9, 2011, CCDS senior Grant Hesser sent The Scroll a collection of confidential and classified communications between departments, claiming that he “could not hide the truth any longer.” One of his sources, the disgruntled Honors Physics teacher Mr. Brock Miller, has gone into hiding after exposing interfaculty cables that revealed interactions between teacher Mr. Sam Tumolo (President, People’s Republic of Mathematica) and the terrorist organization known as GIFMAC, the Great International Fascist Mathematician Conspiracy. Another teacher, who requests not to be identified, fears for their job and safety after a stack of cables was stolen out of their unlocked office. Head of School Dr. Robert Macrae has refused to comment on the situation. Reproduced below is a selection of the cables.

S E C R E T US OFFICE 000097

E.O. 12958

SUBJECT: ADMINISTRATION SEEKS TO IMPLEMENT NEW CELL PHONE INTERCEPT SYSTEM

CLASSIFIED BY: Ambassador Stephanie Luebbers REASON: 1.4(B), (D)

SUMMARY: Technology Minister Baker told the Ambassador on November 10 that the administration would soon be rolling out a new, expanded cell phone intercept program, which would continue to cover cheating but would also include Senior Privilege abuse cases as the administration ratchets up efforts to capture escaping upperclassmen. Baker assured the Ambassador that the cell intercept program would remain alive, but encouraged her to allow the use of the new parent-funded cell intercept software or it would be rendered obsolete. Despite some initial technical doubts, it appears that Baker’s plan is feasible. However, we want to ensure that the parent-supported program is not compromised in the process. Given the pressures on the administration to arrest the seniors responsible for the Chipotle smuggling incident, there is no doubt that they will press to increase its intercept capability. Our participation and concurrence is key to ending Senior Privilege abuse– and creating broader law enforcement– at CCDS. END SUMMARY.

C O N F I D E N T I A L UNITED DISCIPLINES OF SCIENCE

E.O. 12958

SUBJECT: SCIENCE VP TRIP TO MATHEMATICA

CLASSIFIED BY: Acting Deputy Chief of Mission Matthew Dahl, reasons 1.4 (b/d).

SUMMARY: Last month’s three-day visit by Science Vice President Brock Miller to Mathematica was the first stop of a six-department tour in the region. In his meetings with President Tumolo, senior government officials, departmental leadership, and BC Calculus students, Vice President Miller called for the rapid advancement of deeper knowledge trade relations between the two countries. Miller’s visit intensified the Science-Mathematica dialogue; however, Science’s trade deficit with Mathematica and concerns over Mathematica’s insistence upon setting student’s calculators to radians rather than degrees continue to color Science’s perception of Mathematica as a true partner. END SUMMARY.

C O N F I D E N T I A L Kingdom of English and Literature

E.O. 12958

SUBJECT: ENGLISH OFFICIAL IN HISTORY DOWNPLAYS ENGLISH COMMENTS ON CITATIONS

CLASSIFIED BY: Political Minister Deborah Floyd. Reasons 1. 4 (b) and (d).

SUMMARY: Republic of History Political Counselor Jeremiah McCall told an anonymous source November 30 that some English teachers were annoyed with English Ambassador to History Greg Martin’s recent statements to media that suggested that the Kingdom of English and Literature would consider

switching to the Chicago citation format currently in use by History. The English Ambassador had spoken carefully enough to avoid speaking explicitly on behalf of his country, McCall said, but he had still given the Historians the unfortunate impression that there were exploitable differences among English politicians on this issue. He said, “The Historians recognize that differences in citation do not need to divide our departments and do not believe the English have any intent to switch, but now we are using the issue as a lever against them.” END SUMMARY.
C O N F I D E N T I A L UNITED DISCIPLINES OF SCIENCE

E.O. 12958

SUBJECT: SCIENCE PRESIDENT TIES TERROR CASE TO PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF MATHEMATICA

CLASSIFIED BY: Matthew Dahl, Acting Deputy Chief of Mission, State, Physics; REASON: 1.4(B), (D)

SUMMARY: The President of Science is investigating a 2010 alleged domestic terrorism plot claims that the perpetrators’ leader, known member of GIFMAC Danica McKeller, had been in regular contact with President of the People’s Republic of Mathematica Sam Tumolo and kept him informed of the group’s activities in schools around the world. The prosecutor’s assertion is the first specific allegation of Mathematica involvement in the Thompson affair, in which the Science government maintains it thwarted an attempt to replace all mentions of degrees with radians in textbooks, as well as an attempt to frame Science President Tim Dunn for an explosion within his classroom. Although the prosecutor stopped short of accusing Mathematica of backing the terrorist group, we can expect that Science officials will make that claim, regardless of the evidence. END SUMMARY.

Hesser is concerned that now he will be cited on spurious charges of breaking dress code or unattended property in an effort to limit his movements within the Upper School and Indian Hill at large. He is planning on hiding in Terrace Park until his troubles in Indian Hill have blown over. He has fervently reminded the media that he has simply exercised his First Amendment rights.

Illustration by Jordan Komnick