By Xanni Brown, ’10, Lighter Fare Section Editor

Many of you probably own iPhones, but do you really know where all those nifty little apps come from?  I have some theories about the real stories behind the applications, and they’re not pretty.  You may not believe me now, but I have proof.  Or pudding.   One of the two…

Hang on, I’m sorry, that’s all crazy talk.  I forgot this was CCDS.  I didn’t mean many of you, I meant everyone has an iPhone, and that’s what makes this urgent communication so darn important.  I’ve been doing some undercover research (aka wearing those mustache glasses and sneaking around Apple headquarters), and I’ve discovered some earthshaking ethical violations.

You know that handy little Shazam app?  The one that’s always there to help you out when you just can’t quite think of the name of that song, you know, the one that’s like da dum da dum da.  I have reason to believe that their revolutionary new music recognition technology is actually the oldest trick in the management book – exploitation of the worker.  (Or, in the words of Thoroughly Modern Millie, “White Slavery!”)

That’s right.  In my travels, I discovered an underwater base which Apple has been using to imprison music trivia geniuses.  Originally recruited from trivia night at bars around the country, these pop culture savants are kept like animals in cages, fed only scraps, and forced to listen over and over again to every new song until they’ve memorized it completely.  Think of the horror.  When Ke$ha came out with her new album, they had to listen to ALL of her songs.  No one deserves that.

There are two things you can do to stop this.  Firstly, for the sake of all that is holy (cookie day), delete the app.  Maybe if there’s no demand, they’ll finally let those poor people go home.  I know humming that tune instead of being able to belt out the words is going to be a sacrifice, but these people have families.  We have to help them.  (Also, no one wants to hear you sing.)

This second piece of advice only applies to those of you out there who are in real danger – CCD’s own music trivia masters.  (I’m talking to you, Alex Toltzis.)  They’re trying to recruit this generation of Shazamers young, so they can train you to withstand the music of the Jonas Brothers.  Watch your back.  If you can name all five Backstreet Boys, you could be in serious danger.

Image courtesy of knowyourmobile.com.