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Stairs: The Second Investigative Report


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By Thomas Mactaggart ’18, Contributor

As some of you may remember, last year I wrote an article investigating the dark truth behind stairs which almost got me nominated for a series of writing and journalism awards.

If you would like to read the famed article, it is linked here: https://scrollonline.net/14534/uncategorized/stairs-an-investigative-report/

I want to state that I am fully aware of the controversial nature of this topic I have chosen to cover, however, the views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect my own personal views on stairs. I was re-inspired to write about stairs in mid-December when I tore my ACL playing indoor soccer for Boca Seniors United. I was then on crutches until the end of January and learned first hand the evils of stairs. Speaking from experience, it is way harder to go up stairs on crutches, and quite frankly, that’s not okay with me. Despite my “compelling” (as Daniel Nesbitt, former sophomore, put it) article on stairs last year, none of the school’s stairs have been removed and replaced with ramps or slides. This means that while crippled, students must take the elevator which goes unsuprisingly slow.

Some of you insightful readers may be thinking at this point, “wouldn’t this ramp have to be either really long or really steep?” The answer to that question is yes, it’s completely impractical. To combat this inconvenience for non-crippled students, I would suggest that a ladder and fireman’s pole be put in place at the top of stairs to ensure that soon everybody would be crippled and helped by the impractical ramp.

Fellow anti-stair enthusiasts, Derek Stevens, former 8th grader, Connor Pohl, current student, and John Blang, former infant, who have all asked to remain anonymous said the following about stairs:

              “Stairs are the epitomization of the evils of capitalism and how it’s invading our daily life”

              “What’s the difference between a stair and a muffin again?”

              “Stairs create a social divide between those who can climb them and those who can’t.”

              “Why do stairs always go up and never down[?]”

              “It’s hostile architecture”

In fact, even our local stairs have been the source of many injustices. During the fall of 2014, Derek Stevens, former JV soccer star, was showing some friends some really cool soccer tricks, when he slipped down the stairs in the commons and hit the ground really hard. Derek was likely scarred by this experience and never played soccer at the same level again. Former Country Day student, Kevin Yu, recently shared a dramatic story with me about the commons stairs. When he was a freshman, he was wearing a boot for a stress fracture and tripped down the “objectively 1.5 steps/stair” stairs and rolled his other ankle, leading to his eventual demise and the vacation of the 2016 CCDS team tennis state title.

In summary, stairs are a plague to our society and I once again push for all stairs to removed from this school and replaced with ramps. This will be one normal-sized step for CCDS and one giant ramp for crippled-kind.

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