By John Joy ’18, Contributor
Another dance, another mediocre article full of terrible advice on how to ask somebody to dance by somebody who has only been to a single dance in his life. In fact, by the time you are reading this 100 some odd people have managed to cram themselves in a library, awkwardly squirm around in something that vaguely resembles dancing for about three hours, and then post heavily filtered pictures on Instagram with song lyric captions. However, you’re not here for me to rant about dances for three paragraphs, you’ve probably just clicked the wrong link and are extremely confused as what a library that is so packed with people that it makes osmium look like a sponge has to do with the migrant crisis in Europe. For two people who actually want to waste five minutes of prime free bell procrastination time, here are the best way to ask a guy to winter formal according to a guy.
The 15 Minutes or less:
I’ve noticed that a lot of you girls seem to ask as soon as humanly possible… like you’ll literally ask someone halfway through the announcement video over text. Although 90% of guys literally couldn’t care less about how they’re asked because we’ll probably be too focused on figuring out where to buy adult clip on ties over the weeks leading up to dance to remember… anything. But if Ms. Thornberry is sitting within a ten seat radius of you and will use The Force to rip your hand off, fear not, because you finally have a purpose for all the random crap in your locker. With nothing more than the contents of my locker and three simple steps, I asked my dream date, John Joy within five minutes of assembly. I was rejected, but nobody could actually expect to go to dance with a God amongst men like him.
Step 1: Take the plan book you used for an entire week in September out from the depths of your locker and rip the weeks of January 21st to February 6th out.
Step 2: Write anything you want, such as John Joy fanclub meeting, and scribble it out and in its place write “moved to (insert date you want here)”. Try to cancel your fake event at least three times, and make sure it ends on February 6th. On Feb 6th write some terrible calendar pickup line, because awful pickup lines never fail.
Step 3: Give your potential date the calendar and have them follow the trail of fake event until they reach the terrible pickup line. They will instantly accept because you own a plan book, and that means you have your life together.
The Star Wars:
Ever since Star Wars left the corner of shame it was placed in because of the prequels, literally everything has become Star Wars-themed. In fact, I managed to go a whole day only eating Stars Wars-branded foods, and only developed a minor case of diabetes from it. I would have liked to call this the Nerd Ask, but didn’t due to the extremely complex thing that is my massive ego; I would probably have jumped off a bridge at the notion of using a subject twice in anything I write. Oh and the last time Star Wars and Star Trek nerds were grouped together under the same name the Chernobyl disaster happened. This ask may be something you want to give vague details of this said date, because you may end up with a restraining order on your hands if it goes wrong. On the other hand, live on the wild side and do not, because it will not be authentic if he knows.
Step 1: Talk to your potential dates best friends and ask them if they would be willing to tackle/faux-kidnap said date. The entire plan is dependent on them, but they will always accept because the opportunity to kidnap the guy who owes you three dollars (because everybody’s made the mistake of lending money at a pizza sale at least once) rarely arises.
Step 2: Source some sort of black robe, black helmet and something that looks like a light saber. Or should I say put off sourcing the supplies for your terrible Kylo-ren/Darth Vader/Darth Sidieous/Darth Plagiues costume until the last minute and actually end up with a paper plate colored in with a sharpie, a dark grey bathrobe and a yellow pool noodle because you couldn’t find a red one.
Step 3: Have said friends bring your kidnapped date to you, and interrogate them about whatever you want. Use this opportunity wisely; you may be able to get a bit more useful information than just if they want to go to a dance with you. After you have learned every deep and dark secret about your date, you can take off your paper plate and reveal your identity. Because you were smart, you wrote “Winter Formal” on the plate and gave it to them, so they have some kind of evidence when they file a restraining order. Just do not be surprised when you see a “1 of 1 Darth Plateius mask, actually used on set” on eBay for 3 grand because some nerds got in a bidding war with their mother’s credit card. In addition, if it does not work you can beat you date with a pool noodle, which is fun.
The Cooking Aficionado:
There has never been a dance in history where somebody did not ask with some kind of food. I’m fairly certain if a dance comes when somebody doesn’t ask with food the universe will explode, or change in such a way where Danny Devito is tall all of the sudden and I can’t fix computers with little more than a paperclip, a stick of gum, and a small loan of one million dollars worth of computer parts (which is the exact amount of parts required to keep a Fujitsu running for a year)
Step 1: Acquire some kind of flat food like a pancake, crepe or a cake made by yours truly. While you are at the store/money laundering front, I mean bakery, also pickup enough frosting so that you can “taste test” the entire tin and a half and still have enough to write WiFo on it.
Step 2: Write WiFo on said baked good.
Step 3: Throw away said baked goods and take literally any other approach because asking with food is as interesting as a spending a day eating nothing but cabbage, or having me explain how a computer works.
The John Joy:
At this point you’re probably wondering where the John Joy approach, the only reason you’re even reading this article is. I had something so brilliant for this I am fairly certain it would be illegal in 13 states and Canada. It fact, it was such a marvelous display of my terrible time management skills; I have decided that I am going to be selfish and use it later. Come May, prepare to see an ask so pointlessly overcomplicated and dangerous to set up, I am actually certain I lose at least one finger in the process…
Image Source: http://www.girlslife.com/crushes/dating/22401/23-daring-and-adorable-ideas-to-snag-a-date-to-formal